THE PILLAR

The other day i was in wards, went to see the newly admitted patient. Patient was a elderly man, with a vague backache. He had a huge tumor in his liver, which lead to the metastasis in vertebrae leading to the pain. The patient & his wife was completely unaware of the said fact. He was treated with vertebroplasty & tumor was for palliative treatment only. Next day when my consultant came, he spoke of telling the facts to patient's wife. His son & daughter-in-law opposed blatantly. But my consultant finally convinced them. We informed patient's wife about the illness. It was like her worst fears came true. She was feeling so helpless but showing that she is in full control. She was faking expressions.
That face took me down the memory lane. I remember the days when my father was ill & my mother took the stance of 'strongest member of the family'. He also never showed his weakness.I was away from them in kolkata. We knew about the disease, but it never threatened us so badly when he first got admitted to hospital, july 2011. It was renal shutdown, something like hepatorenal syndrome. After that the average survival is 6-12 months according to the literature. But we never considered it because he was alright within few days & was discharged. The admission, ascitic tapping & discharge cycle went on for many months. Every time i spoke to him, he was very positive. He was a pillar of strength for all of us. The last time he was in hospital, there was one more complication which took place. Though it was a well known complication of the disease, it is rare. Me & my elder brother kept it a secret, because the word cancer is very traumatic to all who were already down with the strength. That was tough time for me, i was heading for exams. No time even to visit him, once. We were planning for radiofrequency ablation next day, but that was not to be.....
A silent MI, tumor bleed, all took place in a fraction. He was quite well few minutes back. The pillar has fallen. All left in grief, shattered & me stranded too, in Kolkata. That was the time i hated myself most for being so far from home. The time i reached home, he was already cremated. The last time i met him was 6 months back. It was like a sin for me.The next day i visited the crematorium, i was trying to find him in the remnants, the ashes, the lumbar vertebrae, the bones, the air, the surroundings. He was no more around us. I have never missed him so badly, But had to hide my tears to console my mother. 
Down the line, its more than a year now, he is dearly missed. Every time i used to call home, i expect his voice. I feel him around me, when i am alone. But the void left by him is getting bigger & bigger.........

Life vs Life

            Strange part of life is, so much has been talked & written about the life, but nobody has yet found the 'perfect life.' There has always been controversy regarding somebody's attitude towards life. But whom you are showing attitude, whom you are dealing with? It's none other than the you, yourself. Whatever you do, it might affect others but it invariably is going to affect you. Every small decision of yours is going to have a big impact on your life someday. The good, the bad, you are not going to escape from any of these. So, here comes your take on life. The way you want to play on the front of your own battlefield.
            Safety approach is something most of us likes to follow. They never agree that they are playing on the backfoot but there is no aggression either. It is always 'risk-benefit ratio' which runs into their brains. Most of the times they end up choosing the things which just appear as the safety tool than something to cheer about. 'Cheer' is something they always pretend to have, but do they really have it? They just made it a habit to be happy in their own world. An independence inside four bricked walls is something it sounds like. They tend to sacrifice so many things in life just in the name of risk. They rarely chose the best thing because it never comes without problems. While driving a car, how expert the driver may be, he cant assure you the zero probability of accident. Same way there is nothing in life which comes 'risk free'. They lead this calculated life, but do they enjoy the God's most beautiful gift called life!
            Some people believe in 'happy go lucky' way. They choose the things that will make them happy, without caring for the risks & drawbacks. To live life fully, you have to give life a chance to flourish fully. This cannot be done by playing safe every single time. You have to take chances, calculated risks, accept challenges & overcome the obstacles. People will try to prevent you, criticize you & even stop you, but never stop following your heart. It surely matters to please the people who matters to you but pleasing yourself is equally important. You are best to others when you are best to yourself.  There are pros & cons of everything but it's up to you to decide what you want most. What will make you happy & what you are going to enjoy. So, never hesitate to express yourself, never forget to appreciate the things you like, never deny gratitude to who deserve & never get tired of being sorry if you are wrong. Laugh loudly, enjoy uncontrollably, forgive quickly, make new friends, never keep grudges. Life is a gift to cherish, a chance to perform & not a task to complete!

Life

Life sometimes behaves very unpredictably. U hv to face some things which u hvnt thought in ur weirdest dreams. A friend of mine hv called me 20days back, asking if i can help her with some money. She had an interview for a pg course & for admission she would be needing few lacs. Meanwhile i forgot to cal her & ask abt interview. Today she msged me & gave 2 shocks. She lost her father & missed the interview. Going into details i came to knw that, he was having intestinal obstruction, CT scan showed adhesion as a cause. He wanted her to see the reports before operation but she couldnt make it on such a short notice. He got operated & next day he told her not to come as he is fine. So she stayed back. Next to that, he started behaving abnormally & drs diagnosed encephalopathy. He was treated accordingly only to develop something like pneumonia, renal failure, septicemia, septic shock & finally death. When she reached there he was in CCU, on ventilator, under sedation. He didnt saw her, forget talking. She wanted to leave next day for interview, but doctors told her he is critical & not to go. On very next day, the inevitable has happened. The family went into the shock. A simple adhesionolysis ended up in death. She lost her father, though he was not a lone breadearner, losing father is something that u dnt want to happen to self.
I remember she went all the way to UP for a job, coz her father wanted her to serve at that place. The hospital he has worked at, the place he loved. But the same place denied her the chance to meet her father for the last time. He couldnt convince her for marriage till his death. On the other side, she missed her interview & also the last chance of getting pg admission this yr. She lost her father & a yr. All at the same moment.
Life never gives u second chance when u need it the most. So, dnt deny any respect or happiness to ur parents & loved ones. Leave nothing for the next time, coz next time u might hv to repent. Life is just a gamble, u never knw what is written in ur destiny.

Kolkata

Kolkata, the city i chose for next 2yrs of studying. Coming out of Howrah station, i saw yellow cabs speeding all around. At prepaid taxi booth, i realised that fares here are quite high. As i headed towards Howrah bridge, 'rabindra setu' they call it, first thing i noticed was the piles of garbage on roadside. It was stinking badly. I heard it say, "welcome to kolkata". As the cab sped, i saw wide roads, footpaths being used as homes & the garbage. It took me just few hrs to conclude that, most inseparable thing from Kolkata is not 'rasgulla', its the garbage. I saw corporation taps vomiting gallons of water on roads, no option of closing them. People taking bath there, some washing there clothes & others cabs. Rickshaw pullers running with passengers, bell hanging on their waists. It is hot & humid as hell here. The agony being, humidity without a seashore. Once i reached the destination, i realised that people here work according to their convenience. Nobody thinks about others, everyone minds their own business. There will be very few hands coming forward if one asks for help.
In morning the roads are occupied by vegetable vendors on one side & fish vendors on the other. People moving towards their workplace. There are many buses for local transport, most operating privately, desperately seeking for passengers. Trams runs on the same road in their tracks. Metro trains are non-AC, not working after 930pm or something. Standard of living is not so good. Tobacco is consumed like anything here, many chews, others smoke. Smoking in public offices is a common thing here. Here umbrellas are used more for the sun than rain
& even in rain u get more wet by sweat! People never hesitate to ask for money or bribe, u can say. One person i saw working most sincerely here was a traffic cop. Stands on the road from early morning to night, directing the traffic. People talk very loudly here & u cant beat a bengali in verbal fight.
Football runs in veins of kolkata. You will find kids wearing FIFA tees, people talking about how Holland beat Brazil on streets. Large posters of Kaka, Messi, Klose & others hanging all around. People gathering around TV set placed roadside or any political party office, enjoying world cup matches. Every newspaper giving large coverage. Cricket never occupies front page here. Most theatres screen bengali movies.
Now the food, they eat rice & fish. That's it. Chicken, meat & egg for change. Eating veg is a sign of poverty here. Veg essentially means potato. In small hotels veg dishes occupy less than 10% of menu space. Mustard oil is used in most places. But sweets are really sweet here. That is what i am completing my meals with, almost everyday.

Life

Life gives us a lesson everyday

we are the slow learners.

It teaches us repeatedly,

but we never try harder.

All kinds of people we meet

some good, a few bad & some worst we see.

It tries to warn us about,

but we never leave tendency of 'let it be'.

It makes us face different situations,

cheers, pains, regrets & ecstasy.

we get pleased, shocked & react differently,

but taking things under control is not that easy.

We wait for the conditions to improve,

we predict, we laugh & we cry.

but what we never see is 'within'

life is asking us to improve & not just ask 'why?'

It is shouting at us to be active,

but what is making us so idle?

its time to wake up & get going,

and to face the things in the middle.

Errrrr Bossing.......

To start with, i hate the bossing concept. Everybody has got brain & work according to their mental abilities. When any company gives you a job, you are asked to work under some body's guidance & supervision. Boss is superior to others in experience but not necessarily by brain. But bossing is the different ball game. A few bosses try to show off their position by scolding & hailing out files at their juniors. Sometimes you have to work under a moron.

One of my friend is facing the same situation. She is quite hard working, honest & sincere with her work. Her boss shifted her to work on some different thing a few days back. Being a new to that she is taking some time in getting command over it. The boss is expecting her to work like someone working for 2yrs on the same. This is not possible for anybody, is it? Then scolding her in front of everybody, in meetings. It makes you feel frustrated & gives you inferiority complex. Now she has decided to resign from the job. She is becoming victim of bossing. She quits job or not, i want her to teach him a lesson. I just hope my wish comes true..............

JNV- the school that rocks.......

One would think how can be a school situated in a jungle, isolated from rest of the world, with a big compound wall can be so pleasant to stay! A 32acres campus, school buildings, boys & girls hostel, teachers & staff quarters, mess, playground with lots of trees & bushes to complete the campus. A talented pool of 80 students selected through an entrance in class 6. To start with everybody feels as if locked in a jail, staying away from the family for the first time. But soon friendship develops with mates in room, house & class. The students are divided in four houses randomly. There is a house master who is their acting guardian. It's a bit tough to get into the routine. Early morning grounds which includes various sports activities. School assembly in multipurpose hall. Queue in mess for breakfast, lunch & dinner.


With immense discipline, every aspect of life is taught here. Its just after a few days, a bond of different kind develops. Different kind i said because, its different. Only JNV guys can understand it. 9yrs after leaving the school, i am writing this blog. This school has given me a lot, better to say almost everything i have today. The teachers i cant forget, the friends who cant forget me & the memories, i can live my life cherishing.


The prayers itni shakti hume dena & ha akhand nandadeep, i can sing them even now. The grey & white uniform, i still want to wear. The playground, i miss playing a lot. This school has taught me to play every game i can play today. The inter house sports, quiz, debate & what not. It definitely had something special. The students who were labelled as duffers there are also doing great in there life. It really had power to convert stones into gems. The inspiring lectures of teachers, the supportive shoulders of friends, the cheering voice of juniors. I miss every bit of it.

There is no need to mention that, most of the closest people in my life are alumni of this school.
Most of us cried at school entry, but everyone shed tears when we left the school.
Love you JNVW!!!